I live life on the wild side. It’s true. I can’t deny it. And as the saying goes ‘live fast, die young.’ I know many of you guys will just take that saying on face value and the statistics provided by certain authorities regarding the direct correlation between speeding and fatalities of young adolescents, but what some of you will not notice is that it is also proven by physics. The title of a Rick Ross classic is actually supported by none other than Einstein himself and his theory of special relativity in regards to time dilation.
OK, now that I’ve scared away all the normal people, I can continue with this post. What I wanted to blog about was the fact that I actually find myself in deadly circumstances a little too much for the liking of both myself and the creators of the facebook group “We like Deva being alive! <3”. It is true. I have escaped death so many times that some people are contemplating creating a Final Destination 5 based solely on one of my trips to the barber.
The most recent case was when I went to the toilet recently and found out that it looked like I had been eating something green, if you catch my drift. In fact, this case has yet to be solved, and I may die yet. James thinks it is funny, but James thinks a lot of things. Anyways, to make this post slightly more believable here are some in depth accounts of the times I nearly died.
Death Escaped #1: Drive-by Death Delicately Dodged.
So I’m going to watch basketball at Auburn. I don’t remember where I’m coming from, but I’m late. I’m about 5 mins into the game when I leave Lidcombe station, so I decide to run it. Everyone else was already watching the game. And so I make it to the intersection and for anyone who’s walked to Auburn before knows that this light takes longer to change than it takes Weezy to finish the 1.6. Roughly around 8 - 9 minutes.
Anyways, just as I arrive at the intersection, I see the little red man flashing. I’m sure you all know me well enough that I never walk when the red man is there. Heck, I care so much that if I enter with the green man and half way across the road it changes to the red man flashing then I turn around and walk back and wait for the green man again. Ok maybe not that strict, but you get the idea.
Anyways, these were excruciating circumstances and there is always an exception to the rule, so I decide I can make it. I’m already sprinting, and I’m not the slowest in the world (that would be Bryan) and so I decide to risk it. Go for Gold. Go for the metaphorical Hail Mary.
The cars slowly start to move and I’m already three quarters of the way through. I’m definitely going to make it. but then out of the corner of my eye I see that the last lane is empty. And about 20m down the road is some leb dude in his pimped out Impreza (Not sure if it actually was, but I hear that only fools drive that car so yeah) screaming down. The other cars have to start from a stand still so I can beat them, but this one is absolutely blitzing it down the road. I put on the extra burst of speed and JUST make it across, as I feel the car whiz straight past behind me, the wind of the car whipping across my back and I could even hear the men in car laughing. True story. I wish it wasn’t, though.
I used my photographic memory to print this photo of the dude in his car. He has been taking good care of his teeth.
Death escaped #2: Death by Acid (aka Revenge of the Hydronium Ions)
OK, so this one time I really needed to pee. This was a while ago and I still wore glasses back then. Anyways, so I’m peeing and to do this, boys need the use of their hands. So I hold my glasses with my mouth instead and begin to pee.
And then it happens. I drop the glasses. As if in slow motion I see it slowly falling to what is surely its inevitable demise in my pee. But as if I have the reflexes of Weezy on a five cent coin about to fall down a drain, I reach out with a hand and grab it quickly. It was so close, but I was able to get out alive. Never want to be in that situation again.
Death escaped #3: Poking at Death.
Please refer to earlier blog post for in depth account.
Death escaped #4: On the Way to Gaby’s
So we’re driving to Gaby’s. Well Rohan is driving, and I’m in the passenger seat being awesome in general, and Doug’s in the back, re-enacting the accident that caused his birth. Kidding, he was just sitting there. Anyways, as Doug does, he decides he’s bored and decides it’s time to tickle me.
Tickling is my kryptonite. I wished to keep it a secret, but for the greater good of this story, I think it needs to be said. I just don’t know what to do when I get tickled, mainly cos my brain stops functioning and starts exploding.
So anyways back to the story and self-proclaimed genius and all round good guy, Mr D. Yu, wraps his ridiculously long arms around my arms and starts to tickle me. I naturally flip into a frenzy and start kicking and squirming and singing My Heart Will Go On in perfect pitch. This may not seem like much of a problem to some of you, but what happened next was. I accidentally kick Rohan’s gear stick. And it goes into neutral. We are on a uphill part of the highway, and all of a sudden we are revving like the red P platers we truly are. Luckily there was no one behind us. Or around us. Or in the country. Or so it seemed. Another lucky escape for the good guys.
Death escaped #5: The hottest day in the Universe.
So we’re playing Wests out west this one time, and it is hot. I mean like really hot. As in, you know when you see the weather reporter and they go it’s going to be fine and 25 out in the city, and then quickly whisper that it’s going to be about 80 out west, that’s where we were playing. Just that I think it was forecasted to be about 35 in the city. As I walked out onto the field, I could feel myself melting away faster than The Revolution’s dream of winning the championship as Bryan shot those freethrows against Ritz 101. It was an absolute stinker of a day and about 5 mins in I could feel myself needing the drinks break scheduled for every hour.
I was so hot. So ridiculously hot that the most cold, most big, most Hugh Jackman endorsed bottle of Lipton Ice Tea could quench my thirst and cool me down. I remember throughout the day people were constantly pulling up with cramps and I think I ended up bowling 16 or 17 overs, which I know means nothing to most of you, but it’s a lot.
Some dude died on the field that day and when I went to pick up his skull, it started melting in my hand. As you can see here, he had a really small head.
Anyways, they are just a mere sample of the number of different times I have metaphorically flirted with the metaphorical girl that is known by the metaphorical name, Death. Anyways, I’m done here and I’ll just leave you with this final story. Me, my brother and my dad are sitting out in the living room, each with a laptop and typing stuff. Time passes: first minutes, then hours. My sister walks past and says something like “oh look at you guys, think you’re so good”. Or something dumb like that. Anyways, we’re all watching the cricket and my dad’s typing at his computer and I look over and notice he’s still on the logon screen. “Why’d you log out of your computer?” I enquired to my father, to which he replied gracefully, “I never got in. I’ve forgotten my password.” OK maybe it isn’t that funny to you, but he seriously had been sitting there for two hours or maybe even a little more, trying out new passwords. OK now I sound lame. Way to go, Simon. Gosh. Laters everyone.
