So it turns out I’m going to die. In all the conversations I’ve had with everyone about life, and the plans we make in life, I never realised that I would be dead by 19. But so the cookie crumbles. And it’s all James’ fault. That knob. I think I might actually hate him. OK so I don’t hate him even a little bit, but it so his fault that we’re both gonna die soon.
It was this morning actually. Rainy day, so I was sitting at home, doing the usual nothing. James was meant to be at uni, but he only had a couple of hours so was at home and was bugging me on msn. OK so I was bored too, and I might have been the one that started the conversation, and I might have been the one bugging him. But he’s the one who’s getting us killed, so I can blame him for whatever I want.
Anyways, so what happens is, I’m talking about how I have noticed that regardless of how limited someone’s profile is on facebook, you can still poke them. I believe this offers an unusual, but still clear insight into the values we possess in today’s society, but we’ll discuss that some other day. So anyways, we are discussing this, and I’m like, ‘hey james, let’s play a game where I find someone you don’t know on facebook and you poke them.’ He’s like you go first. Ok, so there’s this girl on facebook that we stumbled upon this one time (nothing creepy here), and she’s like an injoke, because, well, let’s just say her attractiveness is comparable to that of the blue section of a bunsen burner.
Anyways, James remembers this girl and goes, ‘hey deva I got one for you, why don’t you pole Boogerface Garbagelegs.’ OK, I think we are all smart enough to realise that Boogerface Garbagelegs isn’t her real name, but for this blog post it will suffice. Anyways, so I start to panic. I can’t do this. There is NO way I can do this. This is so wrong on so many levels. I don’t even know this girl. What if I’m like related to her. Or worse, she’s related to someone important. What if she’s related to the head selector of the Australian Cricket Team and then one day in the future he finds out I poked his son’s girlfriend’s aunt’s niece’s goldfish’s best friend’s dog’s owner, and doesn’t let me on the team? I couldn’t take that chance. I just couldn’t.
So James is having a good old laugh at me panicking, and so I’m like, I can’t have James laughing at me, it’s usually the other way around, so I turn the tables back to the original, and correct orientation. I go, ‘why don’t YOU do it then, Mr. Fartface Gronkbutt?’ Once again I’m sure we have all reached a certain IQ level to be able to make the decision that James hasn’t in fact gone and had his name changed to Fartface Gronkbutt. Anyways, back on topic, and James replies with “Do you double dare me?”, and I go “Triple.” I included the full stop for extra emphasis.
So I’m sitting at home, sipping on a chilled glass of Coke, my dog sleeping with her head resting on my feet, thinking about the satisfaction I will gain when James has to tell the world he’s a girl when I get the most scary thing I’ve seen on a computer screen since that time Michael Li tagged Shiva surrounded by heaps of girls as me, as I get this:
“Done.”
And so that’s it. We’re both dead. James says that when asked why he did it, he’s gonna say someone else was on his account. And that someone was the brown dude sitting next to him in his display picture. Either way, I’m sure she’ll deduce that I was in on it, and so we’re both dead.
Shot of Ms. Garbagelegs at her birthday party. Mild violence indeed.
Dead. Ended. Mince meat. Mince meat that has been squished. Mince meat that has been squished by phat’s rear end. Mince meat that has first been squished by Phat’s read end, and then rolled by Marcus’ ankles.
James’ face. And this is before Ms. Garbagelegs has got to him.
I never thought I would die at 19, but I suppose I didn’t think a lot of things. To all my friends and family, it has been a pleasure, and I wish it would last longer but that is not the case, and I do love you all. I have many things on my ‘bucket list’, but with the imminence of my doom, I am not sure how many of these I will have a chance to get done.
If I survive for the next few days, I will get that up on this blog as well, but my time is limited. In fact I can feel the wrath of Ms. Garbagelegs at this very moment. At least I’ll have James to laugh at in the afterlife. Oh well, my time is up for now. I hope you all lead happy lives, and do not take life for granted, because you never know when James is going to do something stupid and get you both killed.
